Your 5-minute guide to love and money

Thinking of marriage? Prepare to bare your financial soul. Experts agree that couples need to talk about money -- the sooner, the better.


BEFORE YOU GET TO " I DO"

Consider a prenuptial agreement. It's not just a document detailing how to split the assets after a divorce. It can absolve you of your spouse's debts, maintain assets for children from a previous marriage, keep a family business intact and ensure that the family home stays in the family.

• Bring up the idea of a prenup as soon as the relationship gets serious. It can help clarify each other's circumstances and goals.

• Allow at least three months before the wedding to work out the details. A valid prenup involves lawyers and full financial disclosure. 

• Most prenups provide that whatever property or debts you bring to the marriage will remain yours if the marriage dissolves. They also protect what you don't have yet, including property you expect to inherit.

• No state will allow you to waive child support, dictate child custody or otherwise impinge on the rights of your children.

GETTING THROUGH "I DO"

With the average cost of an American wedding nearing $30,000, there's a lot to talk about. Even if your parents are paying part of the cost, you might have to let go of some dreams, including the one calling for a perfect wedding. 

• Lay down a budget and stick to it. Write it down so there's no question.

• Pay for your priorities. Decide what's most important to you and do everything else on the cheap.

• Take half-measures. Rather than a full reception, have a desserts-only affair. Instead of a full bar, offer beer and wine.

• Do your friends and family a favor and register for gifts in multiple price ranges. Today's bridal registries include outdoor gear, jewelry, wine and home-office supplies.

• Get married in spring or fall and enjoy the lower off-season rates. Not only will venues be less expensive, but you'll score off-season travel rates for your honeymoon.

• Don't let the honeymoon break your budget, either. Sign up with a honeymoon registry that lets guests buy portions of your honeymoon in increments. Consider a honeymoon close to home or bid on a trip in an online travel auction.

Weddings can be costly even if you're not the bride or groom. For members of the wedding party and guests, there are ways to stay within your budget.

• Give what you can afford, based on your relationship with the couple.

• For bridesmaids, the dresses alone can be a nightmare. Ask if you can rent the dress or use one you already own. 

• Creativity and thoughtfulness ultimately go further than cash. The key is to personalize the gift.

THE HONEYMOON´S OVER

Money and the expectations we bring with it become sources of friction for many couples. Even if you've married your financial opposite (and many of us do), you need to find a way to financially coexist. 

If you didn't have the money talk before the wedding, have it now. Get down to details when you discuss your lifestyle and your goals.

• Ask your mate about his or her financial upbringing -- and be willing to explore your own.

• Pick a good time to talk about money -- not at meals, right before bedtime or when inebriating substances are flowing. 

Once you're on the same financial wavelength, figure out where your money goes. Then set some goals, such as saving for retirement, paying off debt, preparing for children or buying a house.

• Set up a budget. Even if you had one when you were single, you need a new one that includes both incomes, debts and bills. 

• Decide whether to use joint or separate accounts or consider having "yours," "mine" and "ours" accounts. Experts agree that if a couple can't share their money in a checking account, it's probably a signal that something's wrong in the relationship. 

• If one of you brought debt into the marriage, it becomes a problem for both of you. Work together to figure out a plan to pay it off. But don't officially commingle your debt; keep existing credit card and loan accounts in the original holder's name.

• Update your paperwork, including wills, 401(k) beneficiaries, life insurance policies and the withholding amount on your income taxes. 

• Assess your emergency fund. Every couple should have enough money to cover three to six months worth of living expenses. 

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

Once you're cruising along on a shared plan, you'll need to pay attention to keep your financial boat afloat.

• Put yourself in each person's shoes. If one person is generally responsible for the budget and the other does the purchasing, switch roles every three to six months. This way, both partners know your financial situation.

• Don't begrudge your spouse small indulgences, but do agree to consult each other on big-ticket items. Put a dollar amount on what constitutes a big-ticket item now, so there's no question later.

• Don't keep money secrets. 

• And finally, don't criticize your spouse about money in front of others. Ever.

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Forgiving and forgetting: Do they go together?

t is said we shall forgive those who sin against us seventy times seven. This makes it clear we are expected to forgive each other just as we are forgiven. We are also promised that  God will cast our sins into the depths of the seas never to be remembered. Each of these writings is instructing us of different principles. However, I cannot help but wonder if there is a correlation between forgiveness and forgetfulness.

We often try to separate forgiveness and forgetfulness

We hear it said, "I will forgive but I will never forget" It is as if they know we are to be forgiving but somehow we are not required to forget. It is as if we can excuse a person yet somehow we can retain a memory of what was done. My question is, is this possible?

Is it possible to forgive someone yet hold on to the offense? In other words, you are excused but I will record your offense. This seems to be an incomplete forgiveness! If one is forgiven should that offense be recalled in the future? Should one be held accountable later for an offense he was forgiven of today?.

The world separates forgiveness and forgetfulness

This is what the system does. The system will excuse, or forgive, one and record the offense in its computers in perpetuity. Should it have a need the system will recall that offense to complicate a present matter. It would seem if a person is forgiven of an offense the record should be cleared. There should be no record of cleared offenses.

The reasons for forgiveness and 

forgetfulness

When we forgive someone we do so for a few reasons. The first is we do so in the hope that the person will reflect on the gift of  forgiveness, never to commit that offense again. Secondly, we know it is by the grace of God that we are not the offender. If we cannot forgive someone how can we expect to be forgiven? In other words, forgiveness is an act of mutuality and an act of humility. Who are we that we are not forgiving, yet we expect to be forgiven? This should be a complete forgiveness including forgetting.

There is yet another reason to forgive and forget. To hold on to negativity is to fill our vessels with negativity. The more negativity we put in our vessels the less room there is for the positive. Negativity is painful. Failure to forgive and forget forces us to hold on to our pain.

Lastly, we need to separate the person from the act. We may detest the offense but the offense is not the person. The person who makes infrequent, or non major, offenses is far different from the habitual offender. The former may be negligent or ill witted. The latter has a bad character. We need to be able to discern between the two.

Forgiveness and forgetfulness are a part of the whole

Yes, I would argue that to forgive is also to forget . The two are part of the whole. When we are able to offer others the whole we find freedom for ourselves. When we free ourselves of the memories of our offenses we can pursue the positive. When we learn to free ourselves of the bondage of anger and grudges we can free ourselves of a corrupt heart and a stagnant mind.

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When It's Time to Tame a Flirty Friend

Lara (some names have been changed) is one of my closest friends... and when we were single, my dating partner in crime. I watched her charm men with an easy laugh or fixed gaze and eventually learned how to read her like a body-language expert on Extra. I like you, she'd say with her smile. What do you think of me? Lara's moves landed her a college boyfriend, a few flings, and her husband, Ken. And none of them mattered to me—until she started using them on my husband, Scott.

Lara never flirted with Scott until we began going out on double dates as married couples. Now she asks him too many questions about his guitar collection and laughs too hard at his quips—all while flashing him that smile. Ken and I are left to make small talk, pretending not to listen to their conversation.

I didn't tell Scott right away that I noticed Lara's antics since I trust him and didn't want to sound catty or insecure. But after our eighth double date, I asked what he thought of her flirting. His typical guy response: "I've never noticed." Seriously?

Crossing the Line
Another weird aspect of this whole thing: Scott acts randy toward me after we're out with Lara. When I tell this to Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, author of A Happy You, she suggests I relax. "Even though Scott doesn't notice Lara's gestures, they still boost his ego," she says. "And that primes him for great sex with you. Take advantage of it!"

Good advice, but I can't promise I'll react so rationally.

Paul Dobransky, MD, director of womenshappiness.com, assures me that it takes men four times longer to pick up on subtle social cues than it does women, which is why Scott is oblivious. He adds that since Lara and I have never competed for men, her flirting is subconscious. "It's a way for her to feel attractive and alive," Dr. Dobransky says. He advises me to steer Lara's thoughts in a different direction. "Call attention to the fact that you and Scott are a 'we' " he says. "Try 'Scott and I had a great time in Miami. Are you guys going away?'" http://www.colombian-match.com/

Easy Way Out
Should I confront Lara? Lombardo says Lara will have stepped over the line if she suggests that she and Scott do something solo. She also says a confrontation is in order if I start to see events in a distorted way—like thinking Scott is falling in love with Lara or that Lara is doing this to spite me—which means my happiness is at stake in a more serious way. "In that case, make a lighthearted comment, like ‘Wow, you laugh really hard at Scott's jokes,' " she tells me. "Lara should get the hint. If she doesn't, that's a sign her intentions may not be innocent."

In the end, Lara's flirting pushed me to limit date nights with her and Ken; now we hang out alone or with the girls. It may not be the expert-approved way to handle things, but it works for our friendship and my marriage...and that's what's most important.

PART 2 ... CLIC HERE http://www.colombian-match.com/