His Fear: That you'll be different from what he's expecting.
We've all been there — you thought the date went perfectly, he acts fine the whole time, and afterwards, you wait for him to call and...zilch. The sudden blow-off could be because you ended up being different than you were when he first asked you out. Even if it's as small as sucking down a few too many cocktails when you may have told him you 'don't drink much,' he'll wonder if he sized you up all wrong in the first place. Doubting his own judgment isn't a comfortable feeling—it's something every guy dreads.
What You Can Do: Dating is kind of like shopping, says Steve Nakamoto, relationship expert and author of
Men Are Like Fish — you don't want to be different from how you're advertised. Maybe you're just drinking more because you're nervous, but the best way to show you're the same great girl you were when he first noticed you? Share stories with him. "Stories make for the most genuine conversation since you're actually sharing real experiences," Nakamoto says. "He'll get a taste of your actual life that way."
His Fear: He won't be the only one you're interested in.
Guys feel like on the first date more than ever, there's insane pressure to really wow a girl. So he worries that his competition — aka every other hot guy in the room — could steal your attention. "He has no way of knowing whether you're a serious dater or if you're just looking for a casual fling," Nakamoto says. He'll watch for signs, like whether or not your eyes stay focused on him or if they wander throughout the date. And even if you're just looking around at the busy room, the worst of him may assume you're checking out that R-Patz look-a-like a few booths over. "He ultimately fears looking stupid," Nakamoto says.
What You Can Do: If you're in a busy place, you're bound to both be distracted at one point or another — you can't have your eyes glued to him at all times. Instead, reassure him that you're truly interested in him by commenting on the things he says. If he shares a surprising story with you, say something like, "Oh, that's really interesting! I never would have guessed that." Then ask him to elaborate a little more to create a back-and-forth, which he'll instantly recognize as you being truly engaged in what he's saying. "That shows you've been involved in the conversation, and that he's actually making a good impression on you," Nakamoto says.
His Fear: He'll touch you too soon.
Making any physical contact with a girl at all for the first time can be really stressful for guys, says Dr. Paul Dobranksy, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, whether it's just putting his hand on your leg or brushing up against your arm. "In the courtship dance, he knows there's a way things are supposed to go, so he's concerned that he's following those guidelines." He'll have a battle with himself: he wants you to know he wants to kiss you, but he doesn't want to come off as pushy or overbearing. If he doesn't get the response he's looking for, it'll be mortifying for him.
What You Can Do: Simple: Beat him to the punch. If you sense your guy's feeling awkward about getting close, signal that it's OK by initiating the first contact yourself, Dobransky says. If you're sitting across from him at the table, graze his leg with yours. Or if you're side-by-side, put a hand on his arm when you reach to grab a slice of bread. That way, he'll get the message that you actually want him to touch you.
His Fear: You won't give him another date.
Yup, before you've even ordered that Bloomin' Onion appetizer, he's already wondering if you'll be hitting the town together next Saturday, too. Why? Guys approach dating with a career-like mindset, says Dobranksy. "In his mind, he has a job to do on the first date — to impress you. If he does that well, he'll achieve his ultimate goal, which is getting to the next date, and the next date, and so-on," Dobranksy says. So, mid-date, he'll gauge his progress with you in terms of whether he thinks you'll be up for another outing. And if he's unsure, it'll stress him out, since his failure will be a blow to his ego.
What You Can Do: If you're not feeling the guy, it's not your problem to make him feel better about it. But if you are interested, drop hints into your conversation that suggest you're thinking about another hangout...sooner rather than later. "Mention that new restaurant you want to try and you think he'd love, or tell him there's a movie out that you think you two should see together sometime," says Nakamoto. That way you're dropping the hint that you're already thinking in terms of date #2, but you'll still leave the ball in his court to do the asking. "If you do this the first half of the date, the rest of your time together will be a lot better," Nakamoto says. "He'll be able to relax, and you'll nix some of that first-date awkwardness almost instantly.
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