Relationship Advice, Couples Counseling to Avoid Divorce

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Nearly half of all marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce. Focusing on that statistic can be demoralizing to couples embarking on what they hope to be a lifelong, happily-ever-after, successful relationship. While the marriage failure rate is disturbing, the fact remains that half of all marriages remain intact.

What relationship advice is available in pre-marriage couples' counseling for those intent on building a successful relationship? Psychology researcher Dr. John Gottman, head of the Relationship Research Institute, has studied hundreds of couples searching for the predictors and processes of successful marriages.

Three Principles of Successful Marriages

Laura L.C. Johnson's article, "Inside the Love Lab: Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work," (Positive Psychology Today online, October 24, 2009), identified Gottman's processes underlying successful relationships.

Keeping in Touch: Gottman's first principle, which he calls Enhance Your Love Maps, may more simply be termed keeping in touch: knowing what's happening in your spouse's world, what's important, and the significant events of your spouse's past. In a similar vein, Dr. Mark Goulston, writing on Psychology Today online ("10 Habits of Happy Couples," November 14, 2009, viewed September 10, 2010), suggests a daily call to your partner, checking on how his day is going.

Nurture Fondness and Admiration: Johnson calls this a critical function of successful relationships. After the "honeymoon" phase in which partners see perfection in each other, reality sets in and each partner's human flaws and weaknesses surface. It's important to confirm love and respect for the whole person, accepting your spouse's human flaws. Goulston suggests focusing more on what your spouse does right than what he does wrong.

Turn Toward Each Other: When your spouse seeks attention or comforting, it's important to honor that need and provide it. Willingly providing what your partner requires demonstrates your commitment and the importance of the relationship. Gottman finds that rejection—especially with contempt—is a strong predictor of relationship failure.

Four More Principles of Successful Relationships

Let Your Partner Influence You: It's important to share power, decisions, and responsibility in the relationship, taking over as well as relinquishing when appropriate. Liberty Kovacs, Ph.D, describes this process a couple traverses as the third stage of marriage, the Power Struggle Control phase. Kovacs indicates this critical phase is inherent in marriage and must be successfully traversed to avoid relationship problems and divorce. Kovac's seven stages of marriage are discussed in Couple Counseling, Successful Relationship Value Personal Growth.

Solve Your Solvable Problems: This process is one of constructive problem solving. Most marriage and relationship experts agree on the importance of communication skills in preserving strong relationships. Constructive problem solving is a critical skill for couples intent on maintaining a successful marriage.

This skill is so important that Howard Markman, Ph.D., professor of psychology and head of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, offers a pre-marriage couples counseling program (PERP) to teach constructive problem solving techniques. His statistics indicate couples learning this technique have half the divorce rate of others.

Overcome Gridlock: Some issues may arise during a relationship because each person holds strong opposing views on the topic. Discussion of this topic typically escalates to argument, finally ending in gridlock—the inability to make progress. What often follows next is one partner stalking away while the relationship falls into a frigid period characterized by lack of normal communications.

The principle here is to reach an understanding of each person's perspective, respecting your partner's right to hold an opposing view, and agreeing that this is an area of respectful, mutual disagreement.

Create Shared Meaning: Work to reach agreement on some fundamental values of the relationship and of life. Understand your partner's dreams and hopes while accepting that each other's dreams, while not always shared, are always respected.

Couples Counseling and Relationship Advice

Despite the disheartening statistics of failing marriages, nearly half of all U.S. marriages succeed. Researchers studying the characteristics of successful marriages offer these seven principles of strong and successful relationships.

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Saving a Marriage after Infidelity, How to Repair a Relationship Damaged by an Extra-Marital Affair

Can a marriage be saved once one partner has been unfaithful? In many cases the answer is yes, but only if both spouses are equally committed to repairing the relationship. If the commitment is not equally shared on both sides, it is 

likely -- if not inevitable -- that the marriage will fail.

Ending the Affair  is the First Step

The first thing that must be done before all else is put an end to the affair. If the cheating spouse refuses to stop seeing the other person, no amount of work will repair the marital relationship.

Seek Counseling for the Entire Family

This step is vital. Infidelity is a painful and traumatic experience for the entire family. The spouse who has been cheated on will need to process anger and grief. Also, consider the children. They, too, are affected by problems in their parents’ marriage. Kids often know more than adults think they do. It can be difficult for them to process their thoughts and feelings- counseling can help.

If the marriage is to be saved, it is imperative that the unfaithful spouse obtain counseling. An affair rarely just happens. Usually, there are underlying problems in the marriage that need to be addressed, by both the husband and the wife. Counseling -- both individual and joint -- needs to take place for any repair work to be successful

Allow Time to Heal

Allow adequate time to heal from infidelity. Going through the grieving process will not happen overnight. The marriage will not be “normal” again for quite some time -- if ever. Expect set backs and times of difficulty as the marriage recovers from the affair.

Forgiving the affair is an Important Step

A husband or wife who has experienced infidelity will need to eventually forgive the cheating spouse, but should remain realistic. While forgiveness is necessary in order to move past the infidelity, and bring healing to the marriage, trust takes time. Don’t feel guilty for being able to forgive, but not able to forget. Being able to forget may never come, but it is still possible to move on.

Don’t Place the Children in the Middle of Marriage Problems

Don’t put the children in the middle of marital woes. Work to keep as much from them as possible. Regardless of what 

one spouse has done to the other, an already troubled marriage will suffer all the more if the kids are allowed to see the pain of one parent, and the “sin” of the other. Equally important- never use a child to play spy on the other spouse. Children need to feel free to love both parents without any strings attached.

Keep the Marriage Fresh

Predictable routines are nice, but spice things up now and then with intimate date nights and weekend get-a-ways. It is also important for each partner to take the time to be interested in what the other finds enjoyable. Work to find ways to keep the marriage fresh and exciting.

The Marriage Can be Saved

Martial infidelity does not always spell out divorce. When both partners are equally devoted to repairing the relationship, with counseling, dedication, and hard work, it is possible for the marriage to be saved.

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Intimacy: The Vagaries of the Human Condition

 Intimacy: Essential Element

I've discovered an absolute in the human condition. Its' elusive, moreover finding it is something 

of a treasure hunt. Having said that, it is as necessary to a fabulous life as breathing. Intimacy with another human being has little to do with physical intimacy, though physical intimacy is a pleasant part of the whole. When you distill it to its essence it plays out like this: someone who knows us and cares for us anyway, its someone we go to when we've had a really rotten day; its someone who will be there rain or shine; its someone to share our greatest joy and keenest pain; its someone we're not afraid to show our deepest selves to, and it's someone we're happy being all these things for. Role plays and a list of expectations has no part to play here.

Exploring the Dynamics of  Intimacy

A physical, superficial, "get mine and go" approach to coupling is transient. True, we'll avoid entanglements but ultimately this approach leaves the soul empty, wanting. Without question, intimacy is difficult to develop; it takes effort, patience, a genuine desire to achieve it and beyond all other considerations, a recognition of the value of intimacy and its' place in our lives. Buddha was once asked by an acolyte if he were God? "No" Buddha responded. The acolyte then asked "are you a prophet?" "No" Buddha responded again. "Are you a teacher than?" "No," again the Buddha responded in the negative. "Then, what are you?" "I am awake." Are we awake? It's not an easy question to answer, but when we can answer this question in the affirmative, the question of Intimacy becomes much easier to answer - the concept easier to embrace.

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Caveat, or 'Don't do This'

Human beings are far too complex to even attempt a 'how to' lecture and anyway, the task is quite beyond the skill of this writer. That said, it may be enough to know that that small empty space somewhere mid-thorax exist in most of us. We use different adjectives to define it, we try to fill it with...the most absurd things, and those who play their cards really close to the vest mightn't ever get it. Erik Erikson’s treatise 'Erickson's stages of psychosocial development' posits this theory "Intimacy has a counterpart: Distantiation: the readiness to isolate and if necessary [sic] destroy those forces and people whose essence seems dangerous to our own, and whose territory seems to encroach on the extent of one's intimate relations" This then is the state of being--extreme to be sure, a 'close to the vest' individual risks. I'll posit my own theory, 'it's injurious to the psyche to view human bonding through so dismal a prism.

A Little Something to Ponder

Too often, we take our cues from popular culture - its either or. You fall madly and irrevocably in love or you race from one lover to the next at breakneck speed. Can we just agree that Hollywood is full of...well, poo. Wading through and discarding all the cultural imprinting--and there are volumes of it - is a daunting exercise. An awareness of its effect is the beginning salvo in the battle against artificial influences. Once we're aware of all the subliminal cultural influences, we can, with a bit of critical thinking, deprogram and gain that most important of all skills, clarity and insight. Some of us will think, "why bother? I'm happy." If that's true, then disregard this writing. If, on the other hand, a seed of interest has begun to germinate, consider this: True intimacy is a balm to the spirit; find it, nurture it, revel in it, and if you lose? Hearts break, but they heal--and fortune favors the bold.

You only get the one life. Live it well
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Your 5-minute guide to love and money

Thinking of marriage? Prepare to bare your financial soul. Experts agree that couples need to talk about money -- the sooner, the better.


BEFORE YOU GET TO " I DO"

Consider a prenuptial agreement. It's not just a document detailing how to split the assets after a divorce. It can absolve you of your spouse's debts, maintain assets for children from a previous marriage, keep a family business intact and ensure that the family home stays in the family.

• Bring up the idea of a prenup as soon as the relationship gets serious. It can help clarify each other's circumstances and goals.

• Allow at least three months before the wedding to work out the details. A valid prenup involves lawyers and full financial disclosure. 

• Most prenups provide that whatever property or debts you bring to the marriage will remain yours if the marriage dissolves. They also protect what you don't have yet, including property you expect to inherit.

• No state will allow you to waive child support, dictate child custody or otherwise impinge on the rights of your children.

GETTING THROUGH "I DO"

With the average cost of an American wedding nearing $30,000, there's a lot to talk about. Even if your parents are paying part of the cost, you might have to let go of some dreams, including the one calling for a perfect wedding. 

• Lay down a budget and stick to it. Write it down so there's no question.

• Pay for your priorities. Decide what's most important to you and do everything else on the cheap.

• Take half-measures. Rather than a full reception, have a desserts-only affair. Instead of a full bar, offer beer and wine.

• Do your friends and family a favor and register for gifts in multiple price ranges. Today's bridal registries include outdoor gear, jewelry, wine and home-office supplies.

• Get married in spring or fall and enjoy the lower off-season rates. Not only will venues be less expensive, but you'll score off-season travel rates for your honeymoon.

• Don't let the honeymoon break your budget, either. Sign up with a honeymoon registry that lets guests buy portions of your honeymoon in increments. Consider a honeymoon close to home or bid on a trip in an online travel auction.

Weddings can be costly even if you're not the bride or groom. For members of the wedding party and guests, there are ways to stay within your budget.

• Give what you can afford, based on your relationship with the couple.

• For bridesmaids, the dresses alone can be a nightmare. Ask if you can rent the dress or use one you already own. 

• Creativity and thoughtfulness ultimately go further than cash. The key is to personalize the gift.

THE HONEYMOON´S OVER

Money and the expectations we bring with it become sources of friction for many couples. Even if you've married your financial opposite (and many of us do), you need to find a way to financially coexist. 

If you didn't have the money talk before the wedding, have it now. Get down to details when you discuss your lifestyle and your goals.

• Ask your mate about his or her financial upbringing -- and be willing to explore your own.

• Pick a good time to talk about money -- not at meals, right before bedtime or when inebriating substances are flowing. 

Once you're on the same financial wavelength, figure out where your money goes. Then set some goals, such as saving for retirement, paying off debt, preparing for children or buying a house.

• Set up a budget. Even if you had one when you were single, you need a new one that includes both incomes, debts and bills. 

• Decide whether to use joint or separate accounts or consider having "yours," "mine" and "ours" accounts. Experts agree that if a couple can't share their money in a checking account, it's probably a signal that something's wrong in the relationship. 

• If one of you brought debt into the marriage, it becomes a problem for both of you. Work together to figure out a plan to pay it off. But don't officially commingle your debt; keep existing credit card and loan accounts in the original holder's name.

• Update your paperwork, including wills, 401(k) beneficiaries, life insurance policies and the withholding amount on your income taxes. 

• Assess your emergency fund. Every couple should have enough money to cover three to six months worth of living expenses. 

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

Once you're cruising along on a shared plan, you'll need to pay attention to keep your financial boat afloat.

• Put yourself in each person's shoes. If one person is generally responsible for the budget and the other does the purchasing, switch roles every three to six months. This way, both partners know your financial situation.

• Don't begrudge your spouse small indulgences, but do agree to consult each other on big-ticket items. Put a dollar amount on what constitutes a big-ticket item now, so there's no question later.

• Don't keep money secrets. 

• And finally, don't criticize your spouse about money in front of others. Ever.

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Friendship Deal-Breakers

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Romantic relationships aren't the only ones that require work. If you are experiencing any of the following with a friend, it 

might be time to have a serious chat, seek help from a third party, or call it quits altogether.

Sometimes we have friends with whom discussion always leads to a fight. Not saying anything sometimes seems easier than opening up a can of worms. This is a sign that either your friend, or you, is not mature enough to discuss matters of conflict. You may need to break it off until one of you — or both of you — experiences some growing up.

You are always the one apologizing. Sometimes, when friends do fight, an apology is in order. If you find yourself apologizing without getting one in return, or worse, apologizing when you are the one who is owed an apology, your friend might have trouble saying sorry. Perhaps they cannot see, or simply refuse to see when they are at fault. This can make your friend seem almost delusional, as if they are imagining an argument went one way when it really went another.

Your friend always plays the victim. This can be a result of the previous sign. Not only does the friend refuse to take responsibility, but he or she also believes that they have been attack or victimized in a situation. This can be another delusion that is sometimes, sadly, associated with insecurity. It can be a futile effort trying to reason with a friend who believes wholeheartedly that they were an innocent victim in a conflict. The majority of conflicts are the result of two parties clashing, not one attacking another. The old adage “it takes two to tango” certainly applies.

After a discussion, nothing is resolved. This has a lot to do with aforementioned items. A person who doesn’t fight fair, and instead resorts to playing the victim, yelling, name calling, and refusing to apologize, makes it nearly impossible to resolve an issue. Certain people simply are unable to discuss and resolve. It’s a sure sign of immaturity, and it may be something your friend never grows out of.

Your friend gossips. A gossip can be truly toxic. Everyone gossips a little bit, but some seem to do it for sport. A friend who outwardly says nasty things about another person is only making him or herself look nasty, and also is putting you in a compromising situation. I once had a friend with whom I shared a lot of mutual friends. My friend had a way of developing close ties to everyone in the group and simultaneously airing everyone's dirty laundry through incessant gossiping. I often felt guilty listening to her say hurtful things, and sometimes spill secrets, about our mutual friends. Also, I always felt sad to know she was probably saying things just as nasty about me behind my back. Over time, it wore me down so much, I had to put her at “acquaintance length.”

Your much sought after advice is never followed. Sometimes friends come to us for advice on the same issue for weeks, months, or years. You may spend countless minutes hashing and re-hashing the issue over coffee and tending to their midnight emotional meltdowns, and the situation never changes. Your friend may never leave the bad relationship or quit the terrible job, and you may always be stuck tending to your friend’s wounds as he or she continues to him or herself in a vulnerable position.

Your friend's comments shake your confidence. If your friend makes comments about your flaws or insecurities, anything from a fear of commitment to a bad sense of style, it shows that they don't have your feelings' best interest at heart. This could be a result of a simple lack of empathy, or something deeper like a desire to gain control by constantly knocking you. A person who needs that control probably has a lot of insecurities of their own and hasn’t figured out how to deal with them. It’s something that could be coupled with the previous item on the list. If your friend is suffering, they may want you to suffer too. It’s a selfish behavior that could take serious self-reflection to alter.

You have lost respect for your friend. Sometimes we hang onto friends even when we have experienced all of the above. We hold out hope that, with time, things will get better. But if you can see that you are no longer respected by your friend, and maybe it’s causing you to in turn lose respect for them, it could be time to throw in the towel. This is true for many romantic relationships, so it only makes sense that it could apply to a friendship as well. If you reach a point where you don’t think your friend deserves the TLC your friendship needs, it’s probably time to put some distance between the two of you.

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