The BFF Guide for Girls: Qualities of Lasting Friendships

For girls, the teen years are often fraught with tricky relationships. From good friends to boyfriends, girls make and break relationships with all the drama of daytime soap operas. During these tumultuous times, a teenage girl needs the support of a Best Friend Forever (BFF). To have one, a girl needs to understand the qualities of a close friendship.

A  BFF  is Honest

A teenage girl need not share every detail of her life, but she must be honest about her intentions. In the article "Qualities of Friendship" on her website, Susan Kramer notes, “Congruency between our words, feelings and actions, keeping our intentions for the highest good, breeds happiness in living.”

This means that a good friend is always herself despite the situation: she doesn't pretend to be someone else. A true friend is honest with herself and with her BFF; she tells her friend if a person, place or activity doesn't seem quite right.

A Good Friends  is Fun, Interesting and Attentive

A good friend is her own person, which makes her fun and interesting. In Friendship Qualities, a survey of individuals ranked personality as the most important component of a BFF. She might be a social butterfly, an astute observer or quirky in her own special way. True friends bring out the best personality traits in each other.

A BFF is an attentive listener, and seems to have a sixth sense in detecting her friend's moods. She knows when her BFF is happy, sad, excited, shocked or upset. She also senses when her behavior annoys her BFF and discusses ways to modify it.

A True Friend is Supportive, Trustworthy and Caring

A true friend helps her BFF reach goals. She never tries to change her friend or pull her into a situation that may be uncomfortable or risky.

A best friend can be trusted. She doesn't try to steal a boyfriend, a job or personal belongings. She never gossips about her BFF or tries to ruin her reputation. If she is concerned about her friend, she discusses what is bothering her. A good friend sticks up for her BFF when she's in trouble.

A BFF lets her friend know she cares. She offers sympathy with a hug. She provides cheer with a silly joke. Sara Paddison defines care as "the ingredient that keeps true friendships alive despite separation, distance, or time." A best friend stays in touch, knows what's happening with her BFF and is genuinely interested in her activities.

A Best Friend is Loyal and Accepting

A good friend is loyal. Susan Kramer defines loyalty as “doing what one has committed to amidst changing circumstances.” A loyal BFF supports her friend during colossal failures: a D in chemistry, a nasty break-up or a poor play that loses the big game.

A true friend accepts her BFF as she matures and changes. Susan Kramer refers to friendship as a "bond of steadfastness and acceptance that allows us to be who we are, fully, without fear that love will be withdrawn.” A BFF learns to accept new boyfriends, acquaintances and situations. She understands and copes with her friend's idiosyncrasies and imperfections.

A BFF  is All This and More

A best friend is also patient and understanding. She forgives her BFF for hurtful behavior. A best friend apologizes for her mistakes, even the big ones. A real friend lives by the Golden Rule: she treats her BFF the way she would like to be treated.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson notes, "The only way to have a friend is to be one." To be one, provide honesty, attention and support. Build trust with loyalty, compassion and acceptance. Create fun with imagination, spontaneity and humor. Chances are she'll reciprocate and the friendship will blossom.

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D

Don't Rush Into A Relationship to Avoid Being Alone

No one desires to be without companionship their entire life. However, when an individual finds him or herself in 

between relationships, it is not the time for them to wish for the next partner to come into their life. Instead, that time may be better spent by allowing one’s self to heal - and perhaps give thought to why the previous relationship came to an end.

Build a Foundation

According to Pastor Steve Greene at TripTown.com, "Many People are terribly afraid of being alone. It may be one of our greatest fears, but relationship misery is far worse than single loneliness." It can be a mistake to begin a relationship with someone just to avoid being alone, and can possibly hurt the other party emotionally, if your true motives are discovered.

Additionally, Pastor Steve Greene at TripTown.com states, "Sometimes, in an attempt to cure loneliness, some individuals make matters worse by stepping into a relationship that can be destructive or unhealthy. For example, a number of women, start off looking for "Mr. Right." Therefore they set their standards high. But when faced with delays, they can become discouraged." And when that occurs, the temptation to settle for "Mr. Right-Now" without taking the time to work on and build the foundation necessary for a relationship to flourish, generally springs forth.

It’s not fun being alone, but being with someone that you can barely tolerate is not the answer. Let's say, you decide to get married, for whatever reason, but after a period of time, you begin to realize that you made a mistake in electing to settle for this person. Now what do you do? Once married, it can be very difficult to get out of the relationship if things turn south - especially if children are involved. Make the smart decisions now, and don’t let loneliness become an issue in entering into a relationship. Don't rush into a relationship to avoid being alone.

The Way You Experience the next Relationship

Equally important to note, is whenever people find themselves in between relationships, it is not the time to go out "prowling" for the next person to make themselves complete. Instead the person should allow themselves some alone time. And not be in such a rush to jump into the next relationship before they've had time to process the last one, and perhaps miss what may have caused it to come to an end. We can learn from our past, if we take time to exam it honestly. Used wisely, your alone time can truly make an incredible difference in the way you experience your next relationship. Don’t short change yourself or your potential partner.

During your alone time, you may wish to take inventory of the traits you want in your  "mate." In this way, you would be far more likely to attract the person you want, if you become clear about what you are really looking for. Your list could include: having a partner with loyalty, honesty, intelligence, a sense of humor, a book lover, and who is available (not with someone else).

There Are a Number of Ways to Effectively Manage Loneliness

Find something you like to do and get involved in an activity that will engross you completely. There are a number of activities to consider: a good movie, a good novel, a television show, or you could get a hobby or play a sport with a local team. Animals are a great source of companionship; consider adopting a pet or even volunteering at an animal shelter. By all means, keep active by doing something you like, you may make a few friends along the way, with shared interests.

More importantly, join a group where you can develop long lasting relationships/friendships - once you develop a network of friends, you won't be as alone as someone who is constantly alone. Be certain to include people you can actually interact with, outside of the online social networks. Social networks are great sources for searching for groups that are of interest to you - but you must follow up socializing on a face-to-face basis.

What Do You Do In The Meantime

There is nothing wrong with being alone. In fact the average person spends quite a bit of time alone during their lifetime. While being alone or with your new network of friends, you just may discover something about yourself that would have 

otherwise gone undetected if you were wrapped up in an unhealthy relationship - for example, you're a skilled domino player, you love reading suspense novels, or you have a knack for bowling or golf.

Remember, you are perfect just the way you are. Not being in a relationship does not devalue you as a human being; it just means it’s not the appropriate time for you to be involved with someone. So often, in the 'alone stage', we are focusing on our lack, instead of our abundance. It is imperative not to rush into a relationship to avoid being alone, give it and yourself time, you just may be pleasantly surprised with the results you achieve and the discoveries you may make along the way.

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Happiness: Does More Money Do It?

Most people think that having more money will make them happy and results of surveys bears this out, but only up to a point. Defining happiness as satisfaction with one’s life and the experience of positive emotions, surveys have yielded mixed results. When contemplating satisfaction with one’s life, many compare their status and achievements with others and on that basis, people with more money generally claim more satisfaction. However, on the basis of experiencing positive emotions, or “feeling” happy, more money does not help beyond the level of basic needs.

World-Wide Survey on Happiness

According to Rob Stein, writing in the Washington Post (July 1, 2010) the results of a massive Gallup survey (2005,2006) of 136,000 people in 132 countries found that while those with money reported satisfaction in that it provides respect and control, it does not provide happiness. The article quotes Sonja Lyubomirskt, professor of psychology at the University of California, "It's really interesting that if you look at countries that are so different – from rural villagers to people living in a city like Stockholm – they are all about the same in terms of what makes people happy."

U.S Rich, But Not Happy

According to Jeanna Bryner, writing for Live Science, (U.S. is Richest Nation, But Not Happiest; July 1, 2010) comparing one nation’s happiness with another is more complex than first supposed. The two categories of happiness, life satisfaction and emotional well-being are not the same thing. So while a wealthy nation may report higher life satisfaction, they may report less emotional well-being. Thus, the United States may be the richest nation in the world, but it is not the happiest. The U.S. has the highest gross domestic product of any nation, but comes in number 16 for overall well-being and number 26 for life enjoyment.

Why Doesn’t Money Make Us Happy?

Many feel happy when they buy a new car, a new house, or even new clothes. However, the feeling of well-being soon passes. According to University of California, Riverside, psychologist  Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, this phenomenon is called the "hedonistic treadmill," that is, seeking short-term mood boosts through purchasing goods and services. A goal of simply making more money in order to fulfill a need to boost our moods temporarily cannot therefore produce lasting happiness. John D. Rockefeller, who was a very wealthy man by any measure, was asked how much money is enough. His answer was, “Just a little bit more.”

Happiest Countries and Happiest States

According to Francesca Levy writing for Forbes Magazine (July 14, 2010,) the happiest countries according to the well-being index (a combination of life satisfaction and positive emotions) are Denmark, Finland, Norway, Sweden, and the Netherlands. Most of the least happy countries are in Africa: Togo, Burundi, Comoros, Cambodia, and Sierra Leone. The U.S. is ranked number 14. In the U.S. the happiest states are Utah, Hawaii, Wyoming, Colorado and Minnesota. The least happy states are West Virginia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Ohio, and Arkansas.

According to Positive Psychology pioneer Martin Seligman of Penn State University, such age–old advice as counting our blessings and living with a mindset of gratitude actually do make us happier. Seligman also advocates character as a component of happiness and advocates the practice of such universally-admired virtues as kindness, fairness, and courage.

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Friends with Benefits-Yay or Nay?

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There has been a lot of hype lately around the concept of friends with benefits"; there is of course a more crude way of putting this phrase, but I shall keep this piece PG for my own piece of mind. It's an interesting relationship: Friends with that little bit extra on the side. But we all either have entered into this type of relationship or know somebody who has, and the sad truth is that while one is happy to stay within the relatively safe confines of friends with benefits, there's always one person that wants more. One half is inevitably going to get hurt, and when that happens well, you can pretty much flush that once-sacred friendship down the drain.

Friends with Benefits in Hollywood

Hollywood and its beautiful people have shown us two great examples of the friends with benefits fairytale recently, Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman  in No Strings Attached and Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake in Friends with Benefits. But doesn't everything seem simpler in Hollywood and hell if we all looked like that bunch everything would be easy as pie, wouldn't it? Now, Mila and Justin seem to be replaying the same scenario in real-life, rumors are buzzing that the pair are secretly in a relationship. Now that Justin has broken off his long-term affair with Jessica Biel, it seems the pair will soon announce their status as Hollywood's latest 'It couple'.

Can Men and Women ever be Just Friends?

So here comes the age old adage can men and Women ever be just friends? Or does sex always get in the way? In Hollywood, the ending is predictable both characters eventually realize their love for one another and transgress from the easy territory of friends to the painful plateau of "he used to be my best friend!!" It sounds sweet on paper doesn't it? A lovely anecdote to tell the grandkids how you met. But the sad truth is that you will always be friends first, lovers later.

A True Story

A case in point a good friend (let's call her Allie) decided to get involved with her best friend of nine years after a bitter break-up with her then-boyfriend. Turns out this friend has always carried a secret torch for Allie and he got pretty intense very quickly. Where she was just looking for a rebound flirtation, he was looking for marriage and babies. I am sorry to say they no longer speak.

A Happy Ending?

Is it not better to become best friends as you grow to love one another, and gradually get to know each other’s quirks? Knowing absolutely everything about your other half before you get involved is a bit, well, boring. I'd rather that sprinkle of mystery. You may get a pleasant surprise.

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Forgiving and forgetting: Do they go together?

t is said we shall forgive those who sin against us seventy times seven. This makes it clear we are expected to forgive each other just as we are forgiven. We are also promised that  God will cast our sins into the depths of the seas never to be remembered. Each of these writings is instructing us of different principles. However, I cannot help but wonder if there is a correlation between forgiveness and forgetfulness.

We often try to separate forgiveness and forgetfulness

We hear it said, "I will forgive but I will never forget" It is as if they know we are to be forgiving but somehow we are not required to forget. It is as if we can excuse a person yet somehow we can retain a memory of what was done. My question is, is this possible?

Is it possible to forgive someone yet hold on to the offense? In other words, you are excused but I will record your offense. This seems to be an incomplete forgiveness! If one is forgiven should that offense be recalled in the future? Should one be held accountable later for an offense he was forgiven of today?.

The world separates forgiveness and forgetfulness

This is what the system does. The system will excuse, or forgive, one and record the offense in its computers in perpetuity. Should it have a need the system will recall that offense to complicate a present matter. It would seem if a person is forgiven of an offense the record should be cleared. There should be no record of cleared offenses.

The reasons for forgiveness and 

forgetfulness

When we forgive someone we do so for a few reasons. The first is we do so in the hope that the person will reflect on the gift of  forgiveness, never to commit that offense again. Secondly, we know it is by the grace of God that we are not the offender. If we cannot forgive someone how can we expect to be forgiven? In other words, forgiveness is an act of mutuality and an act of humility. Who are we that we are not forgiving, yet we expect to be forgiven? This should be a complete forgiveness including forgetting.

There is yet another reason to forgive and forget. To hold on to negativity is to fill our vessels with negativity. The more negativity we put in our vessels the less room there is for the positive. Negativity is painful. Failure to forgive and forget forces us to hold on to our pain.

Lastly, we need to separate the person from the act. We may detest the offense but the offense is not the person. The person who makes infrequent, or non major, offenses is far different from the habitual offender. The former may be negligent or ill witted. The latter has a bad character. We need to be able to discern between the two.

Forgiveness and forgetfulness are a part of the whole

Yes, I would argue that to forgive is also to forget . The two are part of the whole. When we are able to offer others the whole we find freedom for ourselves. When we free ourselves of the memories of our offenses we can pursue the positive. When we learn to free ourselves of the bondage of anger and grudges we can free ourselves of a corrupt heart and a stagnant mind.

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Ending a Relationship - Knowing When it is Time to Let Go

At some point in our lives there may come a time when it is time to leave a relationship. This could be a friend, a lover or a spouse. It is often one of the hardest decisions we will ever have to make. Many of us hold on long past the point we should have let go. When we have done all we can do, tried all we can try, its time to move on. Heartstrings can be tough and hard to remove, we are after all emotional creatures and the act requires nothing short of courage. In order to avoid the pain we struggle with our desire to stay in the relationship, deep down knowing it is time to move on. We may question whether we are doing the right thing, whether happiness exists, and we may wonder if it is better if we stay where we are, and try to make the best of things.

Our relationships should nourish and support us

There often comes a time when we have to evaluate our relationships to see which ones are working and which ones aren't. Are they having a positive effect on us, or bringing us down. Relationships are meant to support and nourish us, not make us unhappy or feel hurt. We may find that we have been wasting precious time and energy on relationships that have long run their course. Happiness is our human birthright. We can accomplish much more in life when we surround ourselves with people who understand, value and respect us. Life can be hard enough without being with people who drain our energy.

Focusing on the future can help us end a relationship

Deep inside of us we know we deserve to be happy, no matter where or who we find ourselves with. It takes a summoning of courage to move away from relationships that are holding us back. Taking the first steps are always the hardest. By keeping our eye focused on the future we can begin to detach our heartstrings from those with whom we no longer fit. Realizing that every step we take brings us closer to a relationship that does work, helps us to keep focused on the future.

The most important relationship we have is with ourselves

The process of letting go of relationships that hurt us isn’t about abandoning people, it is about shifting our relationships to the kind that will support and nourish us. As we grow and change in life the people around us often must also. Relationships that are abusive in any way require that we step out into the unknown if we are ever to find happiness and a sense of self-worth. The journey to finding the right relationship begins with being in right relationship with yourself.

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3 Bad Manners Damage Relationships

Good relationships help us to be healthier and happier. This relationship advice will help you to avoid the bad manners that damage the best of relationships; help is as close as minding your manners.

Though the idea of minding your manners might sound like charm school fluff, avoiding these three bad manners can be vitally important to your happiness and the success of your relationships. Sound relationship advice is simply to be conscious of avoiding all of these bad manners.

Bad Manner #1, Not Listening:

There is probably nothing more attractive about a person than the ability to fully concentrate on another person speaking. Listening fully and generously will endear you to the relationships

 important to you, whether in your business or personal life. The converse is also true; poor listening, such as interrupting, checking email, avoiding eye contact, and taking over the conversation at the first opportunity, are terribly unattractive.

Unfortunately, most people are very poor listeners. If you use the time another is speaking to formulate your response, you're not listening. You may think you hear everything she's saying about her tough day, but if you're formulating your own tough-day story, you're probably missing more than you're hearing. And she knows it.

These listening tactics suggested by Marshall Goldsmith in What Got You Here Won't Get You There will help you be a great listener.

• Don't interrupt.
• Don't finish the other person's sentences.
• Don't say "I knew that," or any other comment diminishing the speakers content.
• Don't use the words no, but, and however, as prefaces to launch your own conversation.
• Keep your eyes on the other person.
• Keep the dialogue going forward with questions showing you are hearing.
• Don't try to impress, it comes off as one-upmanship.

#2, Cutting Remarks and Sarcasm:

Sarcasm can be funny. Some comedians make a good living with a sharp tongue and biting wit. But your business partner won't appreciate being "roasted" and neither will your family and friends. Cutting remarks, demeaning comments, and sarcastic barbs are disrespectful. Though others may laugh at your cutting wit directed against someone not present, they'll be sure to wonder what you say about them in their absence.

Your Mother's advice, "If you don't have something good to say, don't say it," is good advice. Healthy relationships, whether at home or at work, are based on trust. Cutting, sarcastic remarks don't build trust.

Bad Manner #3, Speaking When Angry:

Words, once uttered, cannot be retrieved. When angry, we tend to lash out at the perceived cause of our anger and we'll likely say hurtful things that we'll later regret. This is as true at work as at home. Again, an old adage, "count to ten before you speak," is especially appropriate when angry.

Regret and apology may help to contain the damage, but hurtful, insensitive, and inappropriate words have a life of their own. It's better to avoid speaking when angry, at least until you can think clearly and responsibly, and can consider how your words may be received.

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